7th April 2019

Help – I Have No Idea What I Am Doing

I haven’t met any adult who has the shit figured out.

I get it. *Everyone* says they have no idea what they are doing. A common theme in adulthood is to regularly have an existential crisis about what you are doing with your life.

As a kid, you think adults have it all figured out, but when you reach adulthood and you have responsibilities, you learn no-one has a clue and we are all just bumbling along.

But I really really don’t have a clue. No idea whatsoever. It’s frightening really.

I did all the things you are meant to do. I went to college, aced my A-Levels, got a degree in a field I was good at (sociology). Even at university, I did all the things that would make me employable. I volunteered for numerous charities, I was president of a society, I worked multiple jobs.

When I graduated I was like thank god that is over. I gave myself the summer to just enjoy myself – I barely applied for any graduate roles, half-arsing the ones that I did apply for cause I just couldn’t be bothered. By the end of the summer, I had a bit of an existential crisis, quickly followed by a plan of action, one that I was confident that was going to work. I was going to learn how to drive, start volunteering for a charity to get some experience and by the time I had got my car I was going to apply for whatever charity based role I could get my hands on.

Then life threw me a curveball and I got ill. Having been diagnosed with endometriosis earlier on in the year, come autumn my endometriosis turned nasty and I ended up in and out of hospital for the best part of 3 months. Everything got put on hold and in order to just get by I applied for a part-time job at a local travel agency just to have something a bit easier to manage (I was working at the Post Office before which was quite full on). Needless to say, my driving lessons didn’t even manifest.

The last few months of 2017 were quite hard for me and it was met with a lot of confusion and resentment. By the time the new year came about I was ready for a fresh start and as my health improved, I adopted a much better attitude to life. I became a bit more positive and appreciative of everything I had, knowing that things can dramatically change in an instant.

As I was enjoying my job and my health was slowly improving me and David made the decision to buy a house together – a decision that filled up most of our time for the first five months of 2018. We finally did it though and in May, we moved into our very own home. 

Our house is perfect. Right in the heart of town, small but with big airy rooms and plenty of natural light. We spent the summer getting to know our house, enjoying the long sunshiny days and watching copious amounts of Love Island and the World Cup. It was perfect.

Having nothing to focus my attention on, I distracted myself by booking lots of holidays. Every single month between last August to this January I have gone away, either abroad or for a weekend staycation. I wanted to enjoy not having to save up money for the house anymore, plus we had lots of annual leave to use up. Adventures included Flanders, The Black Forest, Prague, London, New York, Krakow and Iceland. Every single one of them fantastic.

I can’t help but feel a bit of travel burn out though and it’s a surprise to everyone I know that I don’t have anything booked in the diary now until June.

As much as travel is a big part of my life, I wanted to give myself some time to just ‘be’.

I need to figure out what the hell I want, cause right now I don’t have a clue. As much as I am so happy with my little family, in my own house – I can’t help feel disappointed that I’ve stayed in my hometown and not moved to the big glowing lights of a city.

I feel like I’m still young enough to take risks and make mistakes – to be entertained and learn and to meet all different kinds of people. As much as where I live is beautiful, really really beautiful, it can also be really really boring.

Social media only helps accentuate all the FOMO that I am feeling. I envy all the people my age who get to go to cool events and visit interesting restaurants. I’m sure people may envy me for owning a house at twenty-four. The grass always looks greener.

I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I can’t have it all. If I did live in a bit flashy city, I certainly wouldn’t be a homeowner, let alone have disposable income that I currently enjoy. My health is a big concern for me and I also don’t think the fast-paced nature of a city would suit my need to take things slow.

So what is the answer? Right now I have no clue (didn’t you see the title of this blog post?!) and I would appreciate any pointers in the right direction (pretty please!?).

Do I give it all up and run away to the city? Do I just appreciate what I have and shove two fingers up to FOMO? Is there a compromise, a way that I can have it all? Who knows. Who knows.